Nervous Breakdown: A Status Report

It has been over 7 months since I last wrote. Over four years since the mental lights sort of went out. Two years since I finally found a counselor who knew her stuff and could help me.

And life is getting better, finally. Today, I am having a good day.

I work. I eat. I sleep. I rest during the day. I've taken up a number of activities to try to sort my head out. During the summer I swim, snorkel, walk and fish. During the Winter I sing with a choir and go to a support group.

I've started lifting weights to release Seratonin.

I do what my counselor tells me to do: when life gets tough I try to still my fear with meditation. I do this because I have finally learned: Adrenalin is my enemy.

When I'm re-traumatized - and it still happens though the occurrences are down to less than once a month - adrenalin courses through my body. The chemical appears to fragment my being. My thinking will become irrational. I'll be loaded with fear. If you saw me, you could smell that fear rise like poison from a re-opened wound. I have trouble sleeping. I have trouble eating, working, thinking praying.

In short, I'm in trouble.

Meditation and physical exercise move the trauma from my head into my body. My body is much stronger than my mental health, let me tell you. So I let my body deal with it.

And I sleep. A lot. It's odd: during these periods I sleep far better during the day than at night. At night, the nightmares return: the flashbacks of fire and family turmoil. I wake and all I can do is mentally beat myself up. I prefer sleeping during the day.

But to those of you who have suffered from nervous breakdown or other mental illness, or if you know someone who does, I have both good news and bad:

The Good News: I'm regaining my mental health. It's a slow process and prone to setbacks. I've learned not to beat myself  up when these dark periods occur. Rather, I try to go with the flow, knowing that those periods will come to an end. And that on the other side of the dark curtain is a life worth living.

The Bad News: I know now that in many ways I am disabled. I will never fully regain my mental health. I am a different person, if you will. The same guy, yes. The same background. Mostly the same wants and needs. Mostly the same hopes and dreams.

But there is a difference.

I know now that I will never again be able to handle high levels of stress without falling off an emotional cliff and into a period of darkness that can last up to a week. It's a pretty shitty thing to realize, frankly. Most of us pride ourselves on our resilience and energy. We all suffer from stress, after all, and up until a few years ago - and like most others - I took stress in my stride.

But not anymore.

So that's the bad news. But: this 'disability' no longer prevents me from working. It no longer stops me from trying most things I want to. It no longer prevents me from living life. Maybe not quite to the full, but almost.

So if you're going through this same nightmare, I can only give you the following gift: at all costs keep going. Keep up any treatment you're involved in. Do what you can to keep your life in balance. TALK TO PEOPLE, particular those who can listen. Particular those whom you feel safe with.

It's a long road. But it's worth the trip.