It has been over 7 months since I last wrote. Over four years since the mental lights sort of went out. Two years since I finally found a counselor who knew her stuff and could help me.
And life is getting better, finally. Today, I am having a good day.
I work. I eat. I sleep. I rest during the day. I've taken up a number of activities to try to sort my head out. During the summer I swim, snorkel, walk and fish. During the Winter I sing with a choir and go to a support group.
I've started lifting weights to release Seratonin.
I do what my counselor tells me to do: when life gets tough I try to still my fear with meditation. I do this because I have finally learned: Adrenalin is my enemy.
When I'm re-traumatized - and it still happens though the occurrences are down to less than once a month - adrenalin courses through my body. The chemical appears to fragment my being. My thinking will become irrational. I'll be loaded with fear. If you saw me, you could smell that fear rise like poison from a re-opened wound. I have trouble sleeping. I have trouble eating, working, thinking praying.
In short, I'm in trouble.
Meditation and physical exercise move the trauma from my head into my body. My body is much stronger than my mental health, let me tell you. So I let my body deal with it.
And I sleep. A lot. It's odd: during these periods I sleep far better during the day than at night. At night, the nightmares return: the flashbacks of fire and family turmoil. I wake and all I can do is mentally beat myself up. I prefer sleeping during the day.
But to those of you who have suffered from nervous breakdown or other mental illness, or if you know someone who does, I have both good news and bad:
The Good News: I'm regaining my mental health. It's a slow process and prone to setbacks. I've learned not to beat myself up when these dark periods occur. Rather, I try to go with the flow, knowing that those periods will come to an end. And that on the other side of the dark curtain is a life worth living.
The Bad News: I know now that in many ways I am disabled. I will never fully regain my mental health. I am a different person, if you will. The same guy, yes. The same background. Mostly the same wants and needs. Mostly the same hopes and dreams.
But there is a difference.
I know now that I will never again be able to handle high levels of stress without falling off an emotional cliff and into a period of darkness that can last up to a week. It's a pretty shitty thing to realize, frankly. Most of us pride ourselves on our resilience and energy. We all suffer from stress, after all, and up until a few years ago - and like most others - I took stress in my stride.
But not anymore.
So that's the bad news. But: this 'disability' no longer prevents me from working. It no longer stops me from trying most things I want to. It no longer prevents me from living life. Maybe not quite to the full, but almost.
So if you're going through this same nightmare, I can only give you the following gift: at all costs keep going. Keep up any treatment you're involved in. Do what you can to keep your life in balance. TALK TO PEOPLE, particular those who can listen. Particular those whom you feel safe with.
It's a long road. But it's worth the trip.
Showing posts with label How to help someone recover from nervous breakdown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label How to help someone recover from nervous breakdown. Show all posts
Friday, 12 December 2014
Saturday, 15 March 2014
Triggers: Unwelcome Journeys into Past Emotional Turmoil
Today is not a good day. After over three years of a journey toward healing I find that I can still be thrown backwards and into trauma by simple words or situations usually hurled at me by others. Today is one of those days. In that I'm now embroiled in the aftermath of Triggers, I thought that I should share with you what this is like, what brings it on, and what to do about it.
What are Triggers?
'Triggers' are composed of a variety of factors that can re-traumatize those who experience them. In my case, triggers are related to the situations that resulted in my initial nervous breakdown. Because the factors that culminated in the breakdown and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder were so many (separation, a fire, involuntary admission to a psychiatric unit, loss of family), a wide range of triggers can incite a re-awakening of dark emotions within me.
In my case, some of my triggers can be: simple discussions of the events that I went through during and immediately after the breakdown which causes a re-awakening of memories and the feelings that are related to them; the smell of acrid smoke; the blare of a fire or police siren; the sanitary smell of hospitals; fights or arguments that I am either involved in or that I witness; being blamed for something that I did not do; or any large stressful situation that I am powerless to control. These are only some of the triggers.
I am not suggesting that I am re-traumatized every time I encounter one of these triggers. But sometimes, when my defenses are down or when I'm tired or when triggers such as these come out of the blue, I will re-experience the emotions and memories of the original trauma that I endured.
What is it like being Re-Traumatized?
What happens when one of the Triggers above hits me is that I am bowled over by a tsunami of emotions. I become dizzy. I cannot focus (I was re-traumatized about an hour ago because I encountered an unexpected trigger - consequently writing this is very, very difficult. It's as if my brain is wrapped in cotton wool. I have trouble choosing words, constructing sentences, and figuring out what to say). I have 'ghost realities': that is, my reality becomes twisted by past memories. For instance, I might smell smoke when it's not there. I will become paranoid and expect something evil - an enemy - to come barging in the door at any second. My day will be wiped out because doing almost anything - even simple chores - becomes almost impossible.
I am filled with feelings of fear that can completely swamp me and that can - at least for a time - result in feelings of hopelessness, shame, guilt, and self-loathing.
Being Re-Traumatized is a step backward in a journey to healing from nervous breakdown. But it can also be used to re-engage in the healing process.
How to Defend Against Triggers
It's not easy. Trying to protect myself against Triggers is, I find, almost impossible. What I have found is that by becoming aware that I am experiencing a trigger, and that I am being re-traumatized, I can then work to minimize the negative effect that they will have on me. This is what I do to defend myself from Triggers:
I hope this has helped.
What are Triggers?
'Triggers' are composed of a variety of factors that can re-traumatize those who experience them. In my case, triggers are related to the situations that resulted in my initial nervous breakdown. Because the factors that culminated in the breakdown and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder were so many (separation, a fire, involuntary admission to a psychiatric unit, loss of family), a wide range of triggers can incite a re-awakening of dark emotions within me.
In my case, some of my triggers can be: simple discussions of the events that I went through during and immediately after the breakdown which causes a re-awakening of memories and the feelings that are related to them; the smell of acrid smoke; the blare of a fire or police siren; the sanitary smell of hospitals; fights or arguments that I am either involved in or that I witness; being blamed for something that I did not do; or any large stressful situation that I am powerless to control. These are only some of the triggers.
I am not suggesting that I am re-traumatized every time I encounter one of these triggers. But sometimes, when my defenses are down or when I'm tired or when triggers such as these come out of the blue, I will re-experience the emotions and memories of the original trauma that I endured.
What is it like being Re-Traumatized?
What happens when one of the Triggers above hits me is that I am bowled over by a tsunami of emotions. I become dizzy. I cannot focus (I was re-traumatized about an hour ago because I encountered an unexpected trigger - consequently writing this is very, very difficult. It's as if my brain is wrapped in cotton wool. I have trouble choosing words, constructing sentences, and figuring out what to say). I have 'ghost realities': that is, my reality becomes twisted by past memories. For instance, I might smell smoke when it's not there. I will become paranoid and expect something evil - an enemy - to come barging in the door at any second. My day will be wiped out because doing almost anything - even simple chores - becomes almost impossible.
I am filled with feelings of fear that can completely swamp me and that can - at least for a time - result in feelings of hopelessness, shame, guilt, and self-loathing.
Being Re-Traumatized is a step backward in a journey to healing from nervous breakdown. But it can also be used to re-engage in the healing process.
How to Defend Against Triggers
It's not easy. Trying to protect myself against Triggers is, I find, almost impossible. What I have found is that by becoming aware that I am experiencing a trigger, and that I am being re-traumatized, I can then work to minimize the negative effect that they will have on me. This is what I do to defend myself from Triggers:
- Breath - it sounds silly, but when I'm being re-traumatized I will forget to breath; my breathing becomes very shallow. I will no longer be aware of my body only the feelings that are consuming me. So when I suddenly become aware of experiencing a Trigger (and I'm getting better at it) I'll begin taking deep breathes. Breathing helps, doesn't it, if one wants to keep living :)? When breathing deeply I can then focus on those simple breathes. This takes the focus off of my emotional turmoil and back to my body, a part of me that I can control.
- Using My Body to Calm Down - having started to breath, and if I remember to do it (and memory is often short-circuited during these times of being re-traumatized) I'll then engage in some exercises that I've learned along the way. These are simple things: pushing hard against a wall, for instance. Or sitting in a chair with both feet planted firmly on the floor, breathing in, and pushing my feet (one at a time) hard against the floor. Then breathing out, then breathing in and repeating. Or taking a walk. Exercise again helps me to take the focus off the emotions flooding my brain and person, and to activities with which I can ground myself.
- Defeating Excess Adrenalin - when I'm re-traumatized due to a trigger, I have been taught that my brain, operating again in a fight or flight mode, can be flooded with excess Adrenalin. Adrenalin, I have learned, is my enemy. It can overwhelm my senses and is the primary instigator of the fear that I feel. The exercises outlined above help me to rid my body of this Adrenalin simply by grounding myself in safety. If I'm having a real bad case of being re-traumatized, I'll take a long walk or do Yoga. By doing so, my body will generate serotonin, a natural neurotransmitter that contributes to feelings of well-being and happiness. Deep meditation can do the same thing for me.
- Talking About It - I talk about these experiences with my trauma counselor. By doing so, I not only am able to put this episode to rest, but can also somewhat desensitize myself to the next event which helps me to deal with these more effectively. And if I need to I'll reach out to friends for help. Just knowing that someone is there can be of great comfort and help me to get through this horrible time of being re-traumatized. As an example: right before I sat down to write this I phoned a friend. I said simply: "I'm having another one." She replied, because she's helped me before: "I'm right here." Knowing that someone gives a damn gives me hope and helps me to fight on.
- Writing About It - and, just as I'm doing now, I write about it. I do so to help me to tease things out: what's happening to me, why it is happening, and how to deal with it. I've been writing for an hour now, and in that time I've grown calmer. The negative emotions are beginning to recede. I feel a bit better, and when I finish I'll go for a walk.
- Accomplishing Something Simple - I'll also do something simple just to tell myself I can do it. For instance, I might do some ironing or wash a floor or clean a room or weed a patch of garden. Often when I'm feeling unwell like this, I don't think I can do anything at all. But by focusing on one small chore and finishing it, I feel a sense of accomplishment because at least I am able to do something 'normal'.
- Being Patient with Myself - often during these periods, I'll get angry at myself. I feel that I should be recovering quicker. But I also know that these periods of being re-traumatized are happening less and less often. I'm slowly, ever so slowly, getting better. But I have also learned that I have to be patient with myself. Three years ago I had been very, very ill - to the point of death. I have learned that it is going to take an age to fully recover. And even then, I suspect that I will still experience some of the symptoms, and that I will still occasionally be triggered into the ghostly, surreal memories of nervous breakdown. However, over time I also know that those symptoms will become less and less.
I hope this has helped.
Friday, 10 January 2014
How to Help Someone Recover from Nervous Breakdown
Having suffered a breakdown, I have been asked how friends and relatives can constructively support those that have gone through a similar event. The answer is, With love and comfort. But remember that recovery is a long process. Those having suffered from a breakdown can often slip backwards due to a number of factors. To help, you must understand why this occurs, provide constructive support, and practice the patience of many saints.
"Triggers". That's the word that mental health experts (including my therapist) use to describe events that can push a person into nervous breakdown. Triggers can also cause those trying desperately to recover from nervous breakdown to re-experience the emotional tsunami that they incurred during the height of illness.
Triggers can cause a person trying to heal to slip back into the dark cave of fear, loneliness, and trauma. They can also cause a person suffering from mental illness to suffer yet again from breakdown. For that reason alone, I do everything that I can to avoid triggers. Unfortunately, life is full of them.
Take this week. It's not a good week. Every now and then, it seems that I'm confronted by a vortex of stressful, emotionally charged situations. These are not good for my mental health and I know it. But somehow, I have to deal with them.
Over the past week: I learned that my father, whom I love dearly, has pancreatic cancer. A business deal that I stupidly became involved in during the height of my breakdown 3 years ago has gone pear-shaped and is causing a great deal of stress, anger, and fear. My core business as a writer continues to suffer. I begin to worry that in only a few months I won't be able to pay for the basics. For the first time in my life I'm experiencing a nagging physical problem. My GP is so concerned that she has ordered an MRI. I am also confronting other issues - other triggers. Smaller issues that grow larger in my mind. When I can look at these smaller challenges rationally, I realize that they are not worth worrying about. But during high-stress days or weeks, these smaller issues flood my being with additional fear. And the internal critic starts again: "It's been 3 years since the breakdown. For God's sake grow up and get a grip!"
The carefully constructed cocoon of healthy behaviors that I've constructed begins to erode. As the darkness falls, I'll begin to forget what I've learned. Sleep becomes difficult. Nightmares re-occur. Hands begin to shake. I'll stop eating correctly. I'll stop exercising. I'll forget to practice the tools that I've been taught. My world is once again a place of hopelessness. What I really want is for it to all stop. For someone, something, to intervene and to take the nightmare that I've experienced, and re-experienced, away once and for all.
But as I've stated in other Posts, recovering from mental breakdown is my responsibility. No one else, really, is going to help me to recover. Except me.
But, and a big BUT: if you are the friend or relative of someone suffering from breakdown, you can help by encouraging positive action. To understand how to do so, you must realize that if your loved one has gone through a breakdown, they are inclined to engage in some very crazy, very illogical, very scary thinking....
"Triggers". That's the word that mental health experts (including my therapist) use to describe events that can push a person into nervous breakdown. Triggers can also cause those trying desperately to recover from nervous breakdown to re-experience the emotional tsunami that they incurred during the height of illness.
Triggers can cause a person trying to heal to slip back into the dark cave of fear, loneliness, and trauma. They can also cause a person suffering from mental illness to suffer yet again from breakdown. For that reason alone, I do everything that I can to avoid triggers. Unfortunately, life is full of them.
Take this week. It's not a good week. Every now and then, it seems that I'm confronted by a vortex of stressful, emotionally charged situations. These are not good for my mental health and I know it. But somehow, I have to deal with them.
Over the past week: I learned that my father, whom I love dearly, has pancreatic cancer. A business deal that I stupidly became involved in during the height of my breakdown 3 years ago has gone pear-shaped and is causing a great deal of stress, anger, and fear. My core business as a writer continues to suffer. I begin to worry that in only a few months I won't be able to pay for the basics. For the first time in my life I'm experiencing a nagging physical problem. My GP is so concerned that she has ordered an MRI. I am also confronting other issues - other triggers. Smaller issues that grow larger in my mind. When I can look at these smaller challenges rationally, I realize that they are not worth worrying about. But during high-stress days or weeks, these smaller issues flood my being with additional fear. And the internal critic starts again: "It's been 3 years since the breakdown. For God's sake grow up and get a grip!"
The carefully constructed cocoon of healthy behaviors that I've constructed begins to erode. As the darkness falls, I'll begin to forget what I've learned. Sleep becomes difficult. Nightmares re-occur. Hands begin to shake. I'll stop eating correctly. I'll stop exercising. I'll forget to practice the tools that I've been taught. My world is once again a place of hopelessness. What I really want is for it to all stop. For someone, something, to intervene and to take the nightmare that I've experienced, and re-experienced, away once and for all.
But as I've stated in other Posts, recovering from mental breakdown is my responsibility. No one else, really, is going to help me to recover. Except me.
But, and a big BUT: if you are the friend or relative of someone suffering from breakdown, you can help by encouraging positive action. To understand how to do so, you must realize that if your loved one has gone through a breakdown, they are inclined to engage in some very crazy, very illogical, very scary thinking....
Dealing with the Darkness
Fortunately, I've also learned that during these times of darkness I hit some sort of bottom. I know that things will - must - get better. My training seems to finally kick in. This morning, for instance, I realized that I needed to do some Yoga. I'd promised to work at this at least 5 days a week, but I hadn't bothered in over 4 days. I made myself practice this for 30 minutes. I made myself take a shower, get dressed, start working despite the fact that my brain is so over-loaded that what I might write could very well make little sense. I'll make myself go down and get something to eat. I'll make myself focus on something in my life that is filled with hope and joy - my grandchildren, perhaps. Or the beauty of the far hills that I can see from my windows.
I'll plan out my day so that I know it will be as full as I can make it. I set myself a simple goal: get through this day in one piece without going crazy. That's all I have to do. Just make it through this one day. Tomorrow, I know, will take care of itself. It sounds so simple. Yet it's a great deal of work.
I could use some help, but my healthy thinking is replaced with fear and self-loathing. In short, my thinking is 'crazy' (see below). If you want to help someone you know recover from breakdown, realize that there will be times of darkness during the recovery process, and that the person suffering is afraid to call out for help.
A Note to Those Who Want to Help
If you are a friend or relative of someone suffering from nervous breakdown or similar mental illness, I plead with you to begin to understand the debilitating nature of this area. By understanding, you will be able to better help.
Mental illness is just like any other illness. It is often curable. But to achieve that, sufferers simply need your loving support. Unfortunately, many of those trying to recover often will not - or are unable to - reach out for help from friends or family. Here is my own example, nutty as it is: Rarely do I share what I'm going through with my friends or family. I don't do that for a number of absolutely silly reasons: I worry that they will judge me. I worry that they will worry excessively about me. I worry that they will run from me because they might be unable to cope with these occasional slips that I am experiencing. I worry that they will become angry at me for taking too long to recover. I also worry that they will come to believe that I might never fully recover: that the Dad, friend, grandpa that they have come to know and love has disappeared forever.
So if they ask me how I'm feeling, I will lie. I'll tell them that I'm fine. Even if I feel like hell, which is how I feel today. In short, I'm ashamed of how I feel. I don't want to share that.
These are disastrous patterns of thinking that, I know, only stifle my recovery. But that's the lousy thinking that goes on in my head during these periods of darkness.
If you, as a friend or relative, want to help, in my book it's fairly simple: let your loved one know that you are there. Let them know that you are willing to listen. Let them know that they are safe. Encourage healthy thinking and behavior by understanding the tools that they are learning, and remind them to use those tools. Encourage them to share because during dark periods, many are too embarrassed and too ashamed to do just that.
Recovering from mental breakdown is a lonely, difficult process. By knowing that you love them unconditionally, sufferers of mental illness will be able to hold tightly onto that love and derive the strength and courage from you to carry on.
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