Triggers: Unwelcome Journeys into Past Emotional Turmoil

Today is not a good day.  After over three years of a journey toward healing I find that I can still be thrown backwards and into trauma by simple words or situations usually hurled at me by others. Today is one of those days. In that I'm now embroiled in the aftermath of Triggers, I thought that I should share with you what this is like, what brings it on, and what to do about it.

What are Triggers?
'Triggers' are composed of a variety of factors that can re-traumatize those who experience them. In my case, triggers are related to the situations that resulted in my initial nervous breakdown. Because the factors that culminated in the breakdown and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder were so many (separation, a fire, involuntary admission to a psychiatric unit, loss of family), a wide range of triggers can incite a re-awakening of dark emotions within me.

In my case, some of my triggers can be: simple discussions of the events that I went through during and immediately after the breakdown which causes a re-awakening of memories and the feelings that are related to them; the smell of acrid smoke; the blare of a fire or police siren; the sanitary smell of hospitals; fights or arguments that I am either involved in or that I witness; being blamed for something that I did not do; or any large stressful situation that I am powerless to control. These are only some of the triggers.

I am not suggesting that I am re-traumatized every time I encounter one of these triggers.  But sometimes, when my defenses are down or when I'm tired or when triggers such as these come out of the blue, I will re-experience the emotions and memories of the original trauma that I endured.

What is it like being Re-Traumatized?
What happens when one of the Triggers above hits me is that I am bowled over by a tsunami of emotions. I become dizzy. I cannot focus (I was re-traumatized about an hour ago because I encountered an unexpected trigger - consequently writing this is very, very difficult. It's as if my brain is wrapped in cotton wool. I have trouble choosing words, constructing sentences, and figuring out what to say). I have 'ghost realities': that is, my reality becomes twisted by past memories. For instance, I might smell smoke when it's not there.  I will become paranoid and expect something evil - an enemy - to come barging in the door at any second. My day will be wiped out because doing almost anything - even simple chores - becomes almost impossible.

I am filled with feelings of fear that can completely swamp me and that can - at least for a time - result in feelings of hopelessness, shame, guilt, and self-loathing.

Being Re-Traumatized is a step backward in a journey to healing from nervous breakdown. But it can also be used to re-engage in the healing process.

How to Defend Against Triggers
It's not easy. Trying to protect myself against Triggers is, I find, almost impossible. What I have found is that by becoming aware that I am experiencing a trigger, and that I am being re-traumatized, I can then work to minimize the negative effect that they will have on me.  This is what I do to defend myself from Triggers:

1. Breath - it sounds silly, but when I'm being re-traumatized I will forget to breath; my breathing becomes very shallow. I will no longer be aware of my body only the feelings that are consuming me. So when I suddenly become aware of experiencing a Trigger (and I'm getting better at it) I'll begin taking deep breathes. Breathing helps, doesn't it, if one wants to keep living :)? When breathing deeply I can then focus on those simple breathes. This takes the focus off of my emotional turmoil and back to my body, a part of me that I can control.
2. Using My Body to Calm Down - having started to breath, and if I remember to do it (and memory is often short-circuited during these times of being re-traumatized) I'll then engage in some exercises that I've learned along the way. These are simple things: pushing hard against a wall, for instance. Or sitting in a chair with both feet planted firmly on the floor, breathing in, and pushing my feet (one at a time) hard against the floor. Then breathing out, then breathing in and repeating. Or taking a walk. Exercise again helps me to take the focus off the emotions flooding my brain and person, and to activities with which I can ground myself.
3. Defeating Excess Adrenalin - when I'm re-traumatized due to a trigger, I have been taught that my brain, operating again in a fight or flight mode, can be flooded with excess Adrenalin. Adrenalin, I have learned, is my enemy. It can overwhelm my senses and is the primary instigator of the fear that I feel. The exercises outlined above help me to rid my body of this Adrenalin simply by grounding myself in safety. If I'm having a real bad case of being re-traumatized, I'll take a long walk or do Yoga. By doing so, my body will generate serotonin, a natural neurotransmitter that contributes to feelings of well-being and happiness. Deep meditation can do the same thing for me. 
4. Talking About It - I talk about these experiences with my trauma counselor. By doing so, I not only am able to put this episode to rest, but can also somewhat desensitize myself to the next event which helps me to deal with these more effectively. And if I need to I'll reach out to friends for help. Just knowing that someone is there can be of great comfort and help me to get through this horrible time of being re-traumatized. As an example: right before I sat down to write this I phoned a friend. I said simply: "I'm having another one." She replied, because she's helped me before: "I'm right here." Knowing that someone gives a damn gives me hope and helps me to fight on.
5. Writing About It - and, just as I'm doing now, I write about it. I do so to help me to tease things out: what's happening to me, why it is happening, and how to deal with it. I've been writing for an hour now, and in that time I've grown calmer. The negative emotions are beginning to recede. I feel a bit better, and when I finish I'll go for a walk.
6. Accomplishing Something Simple - I'll also do something simple just to tell myself I can do it. For instance, I might do some ironing or wash a floor or clean a room or weed a patch of garden. Often when I'm feeling unwell like this, I don't think I can do anything at all. But by focusing on one small chore and finishing it, I feel a sense of accomplishment because at least I am able to do something 'normal'. 
7. Being Patient with Myself - often during these periods, I'll get angry at myself. I feel that I should be recovering quicker. But I also know that these periods of being re-traumatized are happening less and less often. I'm slowly, ever so slowly, getting better. But I have also learned that I have to be patient with myself. Three years ago I had been very, very ill - to the point of death. I have learned that it is going to take an age to fully recover.  And even then, I suspect that I will still experience some of the symptoms, and that I will still occasionally be triggered into the ghostly, surreal memories of nervous breakdown. However, over time I also know that those symptoms will become less and less.

Triggers leading to being re-traumatized can be real nightmares to those who have suffered from nervous breakdown or similar traumatic events. But we can learn to deal with these periods, and those that support us can learn to help. By taking each day one at a time, by getting through these dark periods, we can continue our journey to healing and a life worth living.

I hope this has helped.