In mid-2010 - over 6 years ago - I experienced a complete and utter nervous breakdown. For that lengthy period of time, time that seemed to telescope inward and out-ward, I suffered through one of the worst and most debilitating periods of my life. At the beginning, when experiencing bouts of depression, phobia, mania, fear, anxiety, paranoia, and psychosis, it seemed too much. I was overwhelmed.
My family - all of them - had abandoned me. They thought I was an alcoholic and a liar; a charlatan and a fool. They assaulted me with verbal abuse that destroyed my confidence and my definition of self. No longer did I believe myself to be a good man. Instead I was a bad man, unworthy of love or friendship. Their reaction (which, in hindsight, is understandable based on my uncharacteristic behaviour during the breakdown) only exacerbated my already tenuous grip on reality.
Thoughts of suicide became a constant companion.
A Road to Hope
However, the world has changed. And if you, or a loved one, is or has suffered from an emotional breakdown, I have good news. You can find wellness and contentment and place the past of mental illness behind you.
For the past few months - since April of this year - I have started to feel well. Truly well. Seldom to I suffer from bouts of depression or anxiety. Seldom do I feel the effects of psychosomatic dizziness. Rarely do I beat myself up for the poor decisions I made while I was mentally ill. Many things contributed to this turning point of wellness. I suspect it was a combination of activities and shear hard work.
Today I feel stronger and more confident than I have in a long time. The world looks brighter. And though I am six years older, I know I have a future to look forward to. Fortunately, I am determined to make it a healthy future.
Yes, I have to be careful. Just FYI: those who have suffered a past nervous breakdown are more likely to fall off a cliff and suffer a secondary breakdown. Yes, I am more likely to move more quickly into depression or periods of anxiety than I did prior to the breakdown. Yes, there are periods when the future can still look bleak. During the past few years, I was unable to work effectively. I had difficulties concentrating. My old business is in tatters because I could no longer manage it effectively. During my breakdown, all I could do was run. And I ran and ran and ran - from myself and the fear of even loved ones who, in my sickness, I thought would do me harm.
But today, and with a great deal of help, I have started to rebuild my life. I know that while I can't fix the past, I can do everything in my power to create a future of contentment. But to move on, I must guard myself against the recurrence of breakdown.
Ongoing Maintenance
To do so I have decided to take continuing action. Those actions and decisions are activity-based. I have practised them for many years now. I shall continue to practice them to maintain my sense of wellness. These include but are not limited to:
- Continuing Counselling - I have been seeing a terrific trauma counsellor for over three years. She has been instrumental in helping me to confront my past, accept what has happened, accept myself (the good and the bad), and realise that I was not responsible for the many mistakes I made during the breakdown. Yes, I am human. I will continue to make mistakes. However, for years I actually blamed myself for the mental illness I experienced. Today I know I was not responsible. And that feels good.
- Continuing Twelve Step Work - I happen to be the product of an Alcoholic family. My upbringing in what at times could be a highly stressful environment in many ways planted the seeds of a future breakdown. To combat that, and to let go of caustic memories, I attend Alanon. I can share my deepest secrets, in confidence, with others who attend. I can share not only about my past, but present situations. That sharing helps me to deal with ongoing stress.
- Exercises - I exercise daily. I lift weights and do sit-ups for approximately 30 minutes every day. The process releases serotonin, the 'happy' chemical in my brain. Not only have I lost ten pounds (hooray!) but this daily dose of feeling good sets me up for the whole day.
- Other Tools - I have been taught the simple art of breathing. I have been taught to use simple tools (breathing and stretching exercises) to move any stress out of my anxious head and into my body. My body, after all, is strong. My head, at times, isn't. By doing so, I calm any 'bad' emotions.
- Napping - if things get difficult I sleep. I don't care what time of day it is. I'll take a nap. When I wake the world usually looks much, much better.
- Company - I make sure I reach out to the people around me. I no longer isolate myself. I continue to sing in a choir. I continue to take joy in the songs of hope. When life feels difficult I raise my voice in a plea for help, hope, and blessings.
- Repairing Relationships - I have worked hard to repair the relationships with my family. This has taken a very, very long time. We rarely talk about the past. For a long time I tried to explain what happened to me - and why. I tried to educate them in the terror of breakdown. All I did by doing so was frighten them and push them away. Then it dawned on me: if I simply live my life; if they can see that I am well; if they can feel and see the simple yet powerful love that I have for them through my words and actions - that can repair the past. And though I can sometimes still have difficulties, my family has come back to me. They are usually supportive, as I am supportive of them.
- I Talk - over the years I've made some good friends. When I'm down, when I'm anxious, I talk to them. Talking and sharing helps me to offload any sense of despair or darkness. And I've learned an important lesson too: I also listen. When my friends are down or in trouble I listen to them and if they ask, I do what I can to help. By doing so I not only learn other methods of coping from these unexpected sources, but helping makes me feel good.
- I Pray - I'm a Catholic. While I'm not the best Catholic in the world, the power of prayer, and the belief in someone or something much more powerful than me, someone with much larger shoulders than I'll ever have, has supported me greatly as I search for wellness and a future of hope.
Be strong. Be hope-filled. Do not succumb to darkness. Know that those moments pass. Honestly, if I can get well you can too. And that's a promise.
My name is Tom Richards. I survived a nervous breakdown. Today I am well. Tomorrow I may feel darker than I do today. But the days ahead are lit by the light of hope.
I hope you too will feel this same sense of wellness. I wish you all my very best in your recovery, and a future of goodness. If I can answer any questions or be of help (and do please remember I am not a professional. I am simply a sufferer as you possibly are) feel free to reach out to me: tomrichards@earthnet.ie.
Tom
