Toward a Definition of Nervous Breakdown

Once again I'm going to take a break from the narrative. Writing about it even now, over three years later, is upsetting though at the same time cleansing. That said, the memories re-kindle feelings that wash over me like a tsunami, pounding into my head and heart in powerful punishment.

Hence the break from the story of hurtful memories, moving on perhaps to an area that is somewhat more forensic: the search for a useful definition of 'nervous breakdown'.

Google 'nervous breakdown', 'symptoms of a nervous breakdown' or 'surviving nervous breakdown' and the screen is filled with hundreds of links offering a wide range of definitions, tips, advice, and assorted information. Below, I wanted to impart my personal definition of 'nervous breakdown'. I do so because when I was at my lowest point I desperately wanted to find a simple explanation of what was happening to me to reassure myself that I wasn't the only person that had ever experienced something like this, and to gain some hope that I could recover. In short, I wanted to make sure that I was not alone.

Toward a Definition of 'Nervous Breakdown'

If you Google 'nervous breakdown' you'll soon discover that this term - nervous breakdown - is not a medical term. However I've found that a couple of sites provide the brand of simplicity that I was searching for. One URL defines Nervous Breakdown as "a period of mental illness resulting from severe depression, stress or anxiety." Or all three, of course. At least that's what happened to me. For me, the operative - and hopeful - phrase in that short sentence is 'a period', inferring that the nightmare that sufferers are experiencing will eventually go away. 

Another site, which I found to be particularly enlightening and non-threatening is http://www.professional-counselling.com/nervousbreakdown_panic_attack.html. Here, the writer includes definitions and a variety of emotional and physical symptoms. 

Many other sites I found to be threatening, confusing, or frightening because of their starkly clinical content and the implied lack of hope.

From my research I discovered the following: the signs and symptoms of 'nervous breakdown' vary considerably from individual to individual. Essentially, the term 'nervous breakdown' is used by the general public (including me) when any person is unable to cope further with life's stresses and strains and is literally overwhelmed by it all.  But because of the wide range of symptoms, it seems that even professionals have trouble properly diagnosing a 'nervous breakdown'. Instead, they may provide a wide range of diagnoses, some of which can be really, really scary. 

For instance, at various times along my mental health journey, I was told by professionals that I suffered from: depression, mania, manic-depressive / bi-polar disorder, psychosis, alcoholism, acute stress disorder, and/or suffered from delusions of grandeur. The professionals communicated their diagnoses in a manner which implied that a) these were long-term illnesses from which I might not recover; b) that I would only gain some sort of recovery by strictly following their advice which included the use of long-term care and anti-psychotic drug treatments; and c) because of my illness I was to be treated like a child and could have no input into either the diagnoses or the subsequent treatment. In short, their treatment of me only exacerbated the feelings of illness and lack of self-belief that filled my soul with dread.

Silly, silly people. All of them.

It was only much, much later that a professional who turned out to be caring and concerned took some time to realize that I was also, and truly, suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and all that goes with it. It was the only diagnosis that made any sense to me.

The mixture of these various diagnoses scared me silly, and contributed further to feelings of inadequacy, failure, and loss. In short, the professionals made me feel even worse about myself which only compounded the severity of my own, very individual nervous breakdown. And when they told me that I was also a danger to others and myself, that almost broke the camel's back. At one point, following intervention by these 'professionals', I truly believed that I was beyond help or hope. And perhaps more to the point: I couldn't help but wonder if they were right. Maybe I was a dangerous fellow? Maybe I had subconsciously planned the whole fire? Maybe I was responsible for an event that had almost killed 2 others, as well as myself? Fortunately, I was able to mentally fight-back, and told myself over and over again that in fact I was not responsible and that whatever had happened to cause the fire was an accident, a view that was later supported by an investigation and police report that cleared my name of any wrong-doing. That said, and because of the comments and actions taken by these silly doctors, for a time I skated on the thin ice of self-loathing. Additional pressure that does not help one to recover from a nervous breakdown, let me tell you.

To make matters even worse, those that I trusted and cared most about, including friends and family, offered their own views: I was mad, crazy, delusional, a bad person, a horrible husband / father, lacked the ability to accept responsibility for my own actions, was uncaring, unconcerned, and critically for me anyway, wasn't worth bothering about anymore. To overcome these problems I was told by these same people that to get 'well' I needed to: get a grip, man up, accept responsibility, get over myself, stop being paranoid, stop being so selfish, stop drinking, stop whining, stop crying, and get some professional help (which is what I'd been doing anyway). At no time did anyone seem to realize that I was simply ill, and that - much like a bad flu - I needed some time to depressurize, re-group, and heal in a place of safety. 

Frankly, I was suffering from many of the above symptoms. But the debate about what was actually wrong with me only further confused me. What I wanted was an explanation that was simple to understand and fixable. So, as I've pondered my particular situation, I've come up with my own definition of 'nervous breakdown' which I now share with you. Please remember again that I am not a professional.

I know that I had a nervous breakdown. And for me, 

"A Nervous Breakdown is caused by overwhelming internal and external emotional stressors, beyond the ability of an individual to manage, which results in a short term loss of responsible behavior as well as physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, but which can be corrected with appropriate professional help, self-forgiveness, healthy living, and a search for a renewed belief in one's self."

That's my definition, anyway. I guess what I'm saying is: a) while I contributed to the factors that led to my nervous breakdown, I was not responsible for all of them; b) I was certainly not responsible for much of my behavior during the nervous breakdown because I was ill, could not cope, and was therefore often unable to make logical decisions; and c) recovery is possible, and though full recovery might be difficult, working with appropriate tools and professionals can lead to a renewed sense of self and wellness. In other words, there is hope for a future of normalcy. 

I now know that while I suffered from short periods of mania and depression, I was not a manic, depressive, manic/depressive, or bi-polar. In other words, my condition within these areas was short-term, not long-term. I know that I am not alcoholic. I know that while I suffered from moments of acute stress, I do not suffer from longer-termed 'acute stress disorder'. I now know that though I was suffering grave emotional hurt, I was never a danger to others or to myself.

I know that despite suffering from an acute emotional illness, that the illness was short-term in nature. That said, I also know that I continue to suffer from longer-termed symptoms that will recede only with time and a lot of hard work. And I also know that the characteristics that were within me before the breakdown - characteristics that I have long recognized about myself, both the good and bad: giving and taking, caring and selfish, joyful and sorrowful, loving and hating - are still in me and were there even as I was experiencing a time of almost complete meltdown. 

Those characteristics never changed. They are still there despite what has happened to me. In other words, I am still ME despite what I was told by the professionals, and despite my own fears. I have learned more about myself perhaps which is a great gift. But despite what the doctors did to scare me with their long-termed prognoses, and the fear that I would never be myself again, I know now that I am still the same guy that I was before. And I have always been sort of proud of that fellow, despite all of his faults. And that, above all, gives me great hope.