I Will Not Be Afraid Anymore

The more I try to get a handle on my breakdown - of how to fix myself - the more elusive the answers become. There are periods of time - days in fact - when I can only shake my head at the situation I've created for myself, and of the insane behavior that I engaged in to get me here.

A breakdown, as I have said in previous posts and as I'll again reiterate, is a destroyer. It destroys families and relationships, businesses, dreams, wealth, careers, and self-confidence. During my breakdown, I became unrecognizable to myself, my family and my friends. Not only physically but behaviorally. I grew a beard, something I'd never done before. I dressed differently, strangely, in loose-fitting garments. When I think back - and I shudder to do so, such is the shame I still feel - I believe that I saw myself in my mind's eye then as some sort of prophet or guru or healer. I hoped, I think, to help others. To be frank, it is something that I have always wanted to do. Due to my family history, I was raised as a caregiver. I guess, in my insanity, that call to action was made large as if I had become a physical caricature of what I most wanted. Thinking back, however, I only became a crazy fool.

My decision making and judgmental capabilities were similarly impaired. In other words, I made some crazy, crazy decisions during the period of extreme breakdown. Decisions that, with a sounder mind, I would never have remotely considered.

In a two week period immediately following the breakdown I: bought a house; bought a boat; bought a truck; bought thousands and thousands of dollars of new IT equipment that had no real purpose; took a number of international flights that I could not afford. Most of these 'investments' have, now, no value. Instead, the memory of them causes me extreme angst. But in defense of the crazy man that I was then, I think that what I was doing was looking for safety. The house that I bought and that I now live in reminded me of a childhood home in which I had experienced much happiness. The boat and truck were memories of a much younger me and my father and the times we spent together in his boat and a truck so very similar to the ones I bought. The IT equipment had to do with absurd plans that I had to form a business that was to help others. The holidays - well, those were just 'because', I guess. Because I was running from myself and the extreme fear and paranoia that I was experiencing.

For me, the breakdown was all about fear, and fear is what I've been left with - even now, three years later. Scratch the person that is the 'me' in recovery and you'll discover fear. Fear of what I did. Fear of what I became and perhaps, I fear, I could still become. Fear of neighbors and friends and what they might do to me still. Fear of finances and of running out of money because I find working to be almost impossible. Fear of being alone. Fear of being with others.

Fear has enveloped my being. It courses through my blood like a chilling Autumn. It can make me dizzy, causes me nightmares, and often makes me want to isolate myself behind a locked door even though I am also afraid now of being alone. It is the damnedest thing because when I really try to think about it I know that the fear has no basis in reality. I know I'm okay, at least on some levels. I know that monsters don't lurk outside the door. Rather the monster lurks in me.

Fear is just that, I guess. A monster that is the residual of the breakdown I experienced. My fears are irrational. But they are also terrifying.

If you or someone you know has - or is - experiencing a breakdown, they may be similarly afraid even if there is no logic to that fear. Getting over it - or through it - is so very difficult. In my case, professional counseling is helping. Yoga also helps me to relax and take my focus off of my fear. And a simple mantra that I say to myself over and over again, "I will not be afraid anymore" also seems to help. I do know that recovering from mental illness is a long journey. Mine is still continuing, and it will I suspect for some time.

Nervous breakdowns - or any kind of mental illness - is a horrible experience. Surviving mental illness and a breakdown is difficult. Recovering from one is just as difficult. But by taking things one day, one minute, one moment at a time; by getting professional help; by trying to learn to trust myself again and re-gain my confidence; I strive every day to continue my recovery.

All I want is to be able to look at myself in the mirror and realize that the man I used to be has come back and can be trusted. He no longer has to hide because he is no longer controlled by fear.