I'm going to take a break from the story of my fall. Yes, there are still a number of chapters left in what happened: a fire, a stay in hospital, a period of bleakness that no words can properly describe. And I also want to go deeper into symptoms, and what I felt during - and just after - the breakdown.
But for a moment, I'd like to look at a brighter subject: how to recover from a breakdown. Many, many professionals have written on this subject. They offer a variety of tools including possible medication, ongoing therapy, eating well, exercising regularly, sleeping well, the continuing support of family and friends - these are just some of them. And in a later post I'll cover each tool in some detail. But for now, I'll talk about one tool that is often discussed as a method for recovery: the re-development of personal resilience.
What is resilience and why is it important? Go to the Internet for a professional and profound definition. But for me, I'd like to keep it simple: Resilience is the deep well of self-belief that empowers human beings to survive, and recover from, horrendous events or situations that might otherwise destroy them. People that come to mind that have shown exceptional resilience include: many families and friends of 9/11 victims who have gone on to lead productive, rewarding, and giving lives despite the misfortune that they suffered; military personnel from WWII, Korea, Vietnam, the various Gulf Wars, and similar military actions who have suffered great levels of trauma but who have managed to move on (which takes a great deal of personal courage); the Apollo 13 astronauts who fought to bring their spacecraft back to Earth despite what at first appeared to be a hopeless situation. Have a think and you'll be able to think of many, many people who have survived highly traumatic situations - everything from a horrific divorce to a natural disaster - have lived to tell the tale, and have managed to put the past behind them and move on.
But resilience levels can be eroded by events, decreasing the chances of recovery. In my case, and due to multiple traumatic events that occurred within days of each other, my personal resilience level was on the floor. Being resilient means that you believe in yourself and your ability to overcome adversity. Yet, following one disaster after another, I had little self-belief. I had little hope for the future. At many times all I wanted to do was to stop living.
But to improve the odds of recovering from nervous breakdown, a sufferer must also improve their levels of resilience. To do so, you have to learn to become aware that your resilience levels are flat or non-existent. And having become aware, you have to figure out why those levels have flat-lined, then figure out what to do to restore them to some semblance of normalcy.
My resilience levels have not yet fully recovered. But I must say that they are higher now than they have been in some time. Here's what I did to improve my personal resilience, a battle I must continue to fight each and every day.
1. Becoming aware of the erosion of my personal resilience levels.
Up until the trauma and breakdown, I believe that I was a very positive person, with reasonably high levels of self-belief, self-esteem, and confidence. At most times I knew what was good for me. I was able to take care of myself and in doing so, take care of my family and others. I tried to live by the Golden Rule which meant that I did my best to treat others as I would myself. I had great hope for the future, both for myself and for those that I loved. In short, I felt good about myself and my life which was fulfilling. I felt myself to be a Good Man.
But following the breakdown, my sense of self felt corrupted. I no longer believed in myself. My self-esteem tanked. My definition of self became muddied: I no longer knew the fellow who I confronted in the mirror every morning. In short, I had become lost. And I felt loss. I had no direction in life, and felt powerless (and sometimes still do) to find a new direction.
And I had no hope for my future or the role that I could play in society or in the lives of those that were most important to me. I felt that I was a Bad Man who was no longer wanted and who had little value. But it was only when I realized that my personal resilience had plummeted that I was able to take any action at all.
2. Recognizing why my resilience had failed.
For me, it was important to understand why my resilience levels had become non-existent. For a long time I couldn't figure out why this had happened. Many other people have survived traumatic situations and subsequently created fulfilling lives. What was wrong with me? Why was I unable to quickly bounce back?Like many, I've faced many adverse situations in my lifetime. Why could I not pull myself up by my bootstraps this time?
I had to look at the factors that caused the erosion in personal resilience. This is what I found:
a. No one believed in me so why should I? - During and after my breakdown, those I most cherished turned their backs on me, thinking me to be only an alcoholic or worse. They did so because they had not realized that I had suffered a nervous breakdown and therefore blamed me for actions and behavior that at the time were beyond my ability to control. And if these people thought the worst of me, then perhaps I should think the same way.
b. I had lost my self-esteem - because my family took a dim view of me, so did I. I no longer thought well of myself. In fact, and as stated, I thought myself to be a Bad Man. A monster. A horror that no one wanted. My work suffered. My ability to socialize with others suffered. I looked in the mirror and felt only shame and remorse. After many months it dawned on me that I blamed myself for everything that happened. I could not let myself off the hook. Like my vision, I had crucified myself but in my case there was no chance of forgiveness.
c. I had lost hope - in almost everything: in any kind of a fulfilling future. In my ability to write and work. In my desire to love and be loved. In my wish to give and comfort others. My world had become a place of utter darkness with no horizon, no future, and no sense of self.
d. I cared little for myself - this culminated in a feeling of self-loathing. Frankly and for a long time (and this still happens on occasions), I simply didn't give a damn what happened to me anymore. Eating became a chore and my weight dropped. Any sense of self-discipline went down the toilet. I became lethargic, depressed, and unmotivated. I avoided interacting with people because I had become paranoid and fully believed that most could see the words burned into my forehead: Bad Man Here. All I wanted was to remain invisible.
Given the above, is it any wonder that my resilience had suffered?
3. Restoring Resilience.
Over the months since the breakdown, and due to a great counselor, exercise (even when I didn't want to), a return to reasonable eating habits, sleep, and a great deal of rest, I've finally begun to gain a little insight. This has not only allowed me to become aware of the points above, but has also enabled me to begin the process of doing something about it.
Key to my recovery of resilience is the re-development of hope - both for my future and those that I love. I now have brief flashes of what I hope might be my future: of laughing and loving children and grandchildren. Of a return to productive work. Of fully healing from the aftermath of breakdown. Of a renewed sense of self-belief. Of a life together, and future with, a new partner that I love and cherish. That somehow I will be able to give back to others because giving back also helps me to heal (which is one of the reasons why I am writing this Blog).
I now know that I was terribly, terribly ill. I no longer feel crucified. Rather, I have let myself come down from the cross. This has allowed me to forgive. I can forgive me (most of the time anyway) because I know that in being ill, I was not responsible for my actions. I can forgive others (most of the time anyway) because they did not know that I was having a breakdown, and in their ignorance, had no idea how to help me. Forgiving allows me to let go of many negative feelings (once again: most of the time anyway). And it clears the way for hope to exist. If I was unable to forgive, I suspect that regaining resilience would never be possible.
Recovering personal resilience is a long process. Often, I only see glimmers of hope, like the far-off beacon of a lighthouse sparkling across stormy seas. Many factors slow this recovery: feelings of despair and periods of depression can knock hope on the head for a time. Feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, lack of focus, guilt, anger, and a profound and deadly sense of loss can interrupt my journey toward renewed and full mental health.
It will be a struggle to win back the resilience that I once had. But now that I understand why resilience is so important, and why it had been undermined in the first place, I believe that it will again be renewed. It will raise me up, allowing me to rekindle the heart of the Good Man that I know must still be alive within me.
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